It begins in November and is an on-going battle until January 2…

My battle, my attempts to avoid all Christmas music.

Those sappy, insipid tunes that we rightly ignore all year long, until November, when all logic and good taste is set aside for the likes of “It’s A Marshmallow World.”

Or David Bowie singing a duet with Bing Crosby…

I am repeatedly and roundly criticized for my outspoken distaste for Christmas music. All it takes is one disparaging remark about a Christmas tune and I am labeled “Scrooge” or “Grinch” or, in response to my opinion that the unintelligible vocal aerobics of Mariah Carey are NOT all I want for Christmas, I get a “Bah! Humbug!” Instantly I am relegated to the ranks of those who are haunted by Christmas Past, Present and Future.

When you strip Christmas music down to its component level, what really irritates me is the enforced happiness – the repeated insistence that I be joyful, merry and full of cheer. Those people that get depressed during the holidays? I think they are the normal ones.

But, there is no way to avoid Christmas music. Believe me. I have tried. This year, I have already failed. My favorite Smooth Jazz FM station slipped one in. Since I have no hope in succeeding, I have come up with alternative Christmas music. Music that gets me off the hook with the Christmas Music Fascists and yet doesn’t overtly offend my musical and lyrical tastes.

Vince Guaraldi Trio

The first thing that came to my mind was Charlie Brown – specifically, A Charlie Brown Christmas.

But it’s not really the animated cartoon characters or the TV special’s plot — it’s the music.

As a kid, I used to love the opening sequence and the song used in the soundtrack, “Christmas Time is Here.” I guess what drew me to the music was its jazz trio sound – a piano, bass player and drummer – reminded me of Brubeck.

It was during a South Florida Christmas in 1985 at the Dadeland Mall in Miami, where I found a small record store near Burdines that carried a few cassettes (no vinyl) of the music soundtrack to A Charlie Brown Christmas performed by the Vince Guaraldi Trio.

And it was that cassette (I paid too much for) – that became my ’80s & ’90s Christmas Soundtrack. But not just Christmas. I used to pop that cassette in during all times of the year – the music is that good. I still have the cassette (most of the labeling has worn off) but the cassette was long ago replaced by two CDs – one containing the original Charlie Brown soundtrack, the other contains Vince Guaraldi’s most popular tunes (like “Cast Your Fate to the Wind”), as well as, alternate versions of the Charlie Brown tunes.

Elton John

“It doesn’t sound very Christmasy.”

That’s the number one complaint I get with this tune.

I grew up with Elton John’s music, from making fun of “Bennie and the Jets” on my school bus to listening to my kids sing “Can You Feel the Love Tonight?” from The Lion King. So, in a way, it’s only natural that “Step into Christmas” is my favorite “Rock-Star-Does-Christmas” tune.

Al Stewart

Al Stewart’s Time Passages is probably my favorite album of all time. For me it’s one of those albums where I love every-single-song. The title song, “Time Passages”, has a line in it that always conveys the post-Christmas feeling of another year gone…

“It was late in December, The sky turned to snow. All ‘round the day was going down slow. Night, like a river, was beginning to flow. I felt the beat of my mind go drifting into time passages. Years go falling in the fading light…”

Steely Dan

In December, 1980, I was leaving a church “pot-luck” Christmas dinner in Greenup, Illinois and it was a typical Illinois winter evening – dark, cold, with pellets of wind-blown sleet stinging my cheeks. After starting up my 1968 Galaxie 500, I turned on the radio only to hear the Steely Dan song “Hey Nineteen” for the first time. I was immediately hooked. From that time forward, I still associate “Hey Nineteen”, “Time Out of Mind” and the rest of the Steely Dan album Gaucho with Christmas.

Barry Manilow

Manilow’s Because It’s Christmas was not a discovery I would have made on my own. My wife purchased the CD back in the early 1990’s and it quickly became a hit with me and the rest of our household. One song in particular, “Silent Night/I Guess there ain’t no Santa Claus”, still cracks me up…

“Sugar plums in my head, Only me in my bed. I guess there ain’t no Santa Claus”

Gives a whole new meaning to silent night.

The album is a mix of appropriately joyful Christmas tunes, sprinkled with lonely Christmas melancholy, all combined with original compositions by Manilow. A couple of highlights are Manilow’s duet with K.T. Oslin “Baby It’s Cold Outside” (with extra unwanted harassment, but, hey, it’s Barry Manilow) and “It’s Just Another New Year’s Eve.”

Michael Franks

The tune “Under the Sun” from the 2006 album Rendezvous in Rio that reminds me of why Christmas is always best spent in the EPHFL…

“Down 95, We’ll come alive And by the time we get somewhere Near Savannah.Give Winter the slip, It’s well worth the trip To be together Under the sun…”

Don’t listen to the White Christmas propaganda. Christmas is much better when it’s sunny and 70°.

Walter Becker

“Book of Liars”, a track from Walter Becker’s 11 Tracks of Whack, seems an unlikely Christmas song but, as our circle of friends widens and we all age, sometimes relationships break down and dissolve. Homes are lost, kids are shared and holidays become a tremendous source of distress.

“Santa Claus came in late last night, Drunk on Christmas wine. Fell down hard in the driveway, Hung his bag out on the laundry line. There’s a Cobra Gunship for his golden boy And there’s a Hello Kitty for his pride and joy…And a silver star in the book of liars by your name.”

Four80East

The only instrumental in the line up, this tune from Four80East’s Nocturnal called “Bumper to Bumper” brings to mind the frustration of fighting Christmas traffic, on the road, in the parking lot, in the airport, and in the stores. Yet, at the same time, I find the piano and the groove of the song relaxing.

Christmas should never be what other people say it should be. You have to take control and make it your own. Like all of us here in the EPHFL…

Dare to be different.